Accepting Flaws

There’s been a lot of hype going around concerning the petition to provide an “Opt-in” selection to a default ban on internet porn.  This, of course, is meant to be sponsored by the government.  I wanted to express my own thoughts on the petition because I was increasingly disappointed to see so many of my fellows supporting it.  At the same time, I wanted to keep it relevant to this blog and dating.  So I will forego my rantings and stick to a single point.  However, if you are interested in seeing a great source that outlines many reasons why it is a bad idea, check out this post by Connor Boyack.

Before I get into this, I do want to point out that I don’t hold anyone in any negative judgments.  So if you are one of my friends that supported the petition, I still applaud you for wanting to create a safer atmosphere for your families as well as the rest of us.  Please, don’t take my words personally.  While the premise for this post is centered around the petition, my thoughts are specifically related to relationships.

The Problem

In any relationship, there are qualities that we love and cherish, and there are others that we abhor.  The relationship between parent and child is no exception.  As a result, we often observe or abuse positions of power, attempting to exorcise those evil characteristics any way we can!  After all, we just want to stay safe, and keep those around us safe.  Anything that threatens that security deserves to be eradicated!

I’m not going to pretend to be an expert on parenting, but I am an expert on child-ing.  I was a child myself for nearly two decades!  (Some may argue three)  And as a child I thoroughly perfected some of my existing characteristics.  Among those are manipulation, lying through my teeth, persistence and perseverance, and my personal favorites: an unconquerable spirit, and the ability to think and decide for myself that which will do me good versus what will cause me harm. See what I did there?...I threw in some bad ones too.  Speaking of bad traits...

My Experience

I’m sure you can imagine my extreme reluctance to admit so publicly to an addiction that I developed at a ripe, innocent age.  While it may not come as a surprise to many if not most, it is always a little disappointing to find out the details of someone’s personal struggles when it involves what many consider to be sin.  I’ll spare the details, but now you know that I have long since had a struggle with pornography.  

I have resigned to the fact that this is a life-long struggle, and if anyone should support an internet wide ban on porn, it would be those like me who want to ease their struggle any way they can. But there are two major, relevant lessons that I have learned.  

FIRST

You cannot change or stop a behavior in someone who has no interest in stopping or changing.

SECOND

Attempts to control behavior will lead to anger, a strained relationship, disrespect and resentment while attempts to love and accept will lead to a softer heart, an open mind, willing ears and overall respect.

It is important to understand that this is MY experience.  Everyone is different, and everyone will react differently.  However, no matter what you do to a seed, it will never take root in solid stone. Personally, I believe these lessons apply in almost all cases.

My Point

“Love” and acceptance are synonymous.  You cannot say you love someone if you do not accept them.  Now I’m not talking about behaviors anymore, I’m talking about people.  Relationships, and more specifically, partnerships and marriages, are no longer traditional in the sense that you don’t have a choice.  But your choice ends where your partner’s begins.  You don’t get the luxury of demanding sacrifice when you choose who you will be with.  

We should all be familiar with those words “for better or for worse.”  The implied meaning behind that phrase is acceptance.  A lot of you might be thinking that I am advocating negative behaviors, but I’m not...just the people that “struggle” with them.  

When you invite someone into your life, to share their life with yours, you cannot say, “I like these qualities about you, they make you perfect!  But you have to give up your shopping and your sports.”  Okay, you can say it, but doing so is wrong.  There should never...ever! be an expectation for change when embarking on a relationship.  If their bad qualities are so bad that you can’t live with them, then move on and find someone else.  If you've already committed to the relationship, then YOU are the one that needs to change and learn to live with it or find healthy ways to cope with it.

If you haven’t already figured out what this has to do with the “Opt-in” petition, the idea is simply this: The internet is a platform, it is a location where we are all free to express ourselves the way we see best.  If someone has a problem with the way I express myself, then they can leave, ignore me, or writhe in self-inflicted injustices.  Of course, that person is more than welcome to respond with their own views and opinions.  This is what makes the system so wonderful.  

If we allow some voices to be silenced, then those silenced voices will find a way to silence ours! The internet is what it is, and you can either accept it and invite it into your home, or you can refuse it. There is not a “partial Opt-in.”  Just as with relationships, you can either have it all, or nothing.

When you can learn to love in spite of glaring flaws, then you will be well on your way to a happy, constructive relationship.  And the best part of it all?...There is a very high probability that such a strong and caring relationship will lead your partner to give up their “flaws” on their own if they weren't trying to already.  Just don’t ever expect them to...otherwise, you’re right back at the beginning.